Tree Hugger Chronicles

2008-04-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Got my results and all ok. Thanks for your thoughts. My best friend didn't fare so good and faces bilateral mastectomy and chemo in the next 2 weeks. I can't blog for a while, just need to be! Will be back soon everyone. Keep Manda in your prayers.
Rach
xxx

2008-03-20T01:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still here, just going through a crappy period and it's taking all my reserve. Will be back on track soon, just waiting for my mammogram results and all should be good.

x

Alanis.....The Queen Of Irony Rocks

2008-02-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

A Funny Thing Happened Today because...

2008-01-31T13:43:00.001-08:00

...I was having a cappucino at my fave place, minding my own business when two men came and sat down at my table..... I gave them the death stare, you know the 'DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT WIDE BOY' look, but they just casually stayed at my table and wouldn't leave me alone. I polished up my thumb ring, then placed my hand on the table and I hinted to them that I was not interested in them. Apparently thumb rings don't do it, they don't signify committment and solidarity against all others.

Luckily for me they got the hint and left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the bar's cctv. So to all those honeys out there trying to make the grade, cut the mustard and bla, I'm sending you this picture as a warning.............. just in case they try and pick you up too.

Honestly, some men think they are God's gift.

Garden Time At My Gaff...

2008-01-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

...means you hear all sorts of crap going on with the neighbours.

Have a real tree huggy mommy living next door with her 3 young daughters. She is recently separated, doing her best to work full time and bring up girls aged 3, 6, and 7. I really identify with her having raised my girls alone and at times really struggling with it.

So was just sitting out there, in the dark and rain, and all that represents winter in the UK, and there were major tantrums coming from next-door bathroom. It is 'tea/bath/bed after all! The tantrum from little M crescendo'd to fever pitch before there was shouting, door slamming and swearing from Tree Hugger Mom, (THM), deathly silence and then little M wailing for all she was worth, but not just crying, real screams.

I just got to thinking, as my cigarette burned low - in the moment have I done the same thing too, with no thought as to the consequences for my honeys? I faced them square on, interrupting Dr. Who

Me: "Have I ever hurt you or made you feel scared of me"?
Em: "No never Mum, I love you, and you are great at being my Mum".
Boo: "Only when you're tired but you do so much better at this Mummy stuff with a glass of wine inside you"!

I'm sure there is a message in there somewhere!

Another Birthday Comes.......

2008-01-28T09:29:00.000-08:00

........and goes.

Friday night for dinner with the grown up girls at Cafe Rouge, the odd glass of champagne, brandy, wine etc and the obligatory dancing till 2am.

Saturday was major hangover day and I think I put my hip out dancing the night before.......how old am I?????????? My parents came for the day and I struggled through, until 7pm when I magically felt better and found a bottle of vintage reserva wine left over from Christmas so hey ho, and down it goes!

Sunday, birthday day, and I had a fantastic time with the honeys and Ex-Boyf. We went for a blinding pub roast lunch and the obligatory glass of wine, followed by a long walk in the New Forest sun. The marina at Lymington Harbour was for cappuccinos, the Captain's Club in Christchurch

for early evening drinks then back home for tea, bath and bed. The honeys resisted an early night but with them safely tucked up we had dinner and more fantastic bottles of wine while watching Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels.

Come midnight I snuck off to bed to find Ex-Boyf already there snoozing away. Mmmmm, what's a girl to do on her birthday? Take full advantage of the opportunities presented to you, is the answer!

I'm not saying anymore on this, but we made it to work at 12pm today.

Another year older
None the wiser
Bite me!
x

I Can't Possibly Blog Today.......

2008-01-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

.......because

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY
I'M 42
I'M GOING TO DRINK RED WINE ALL DAY

X

In Case Your Wednesday..........

2008-01-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

.........is a little gloomy!

Two women were on their way home from a night out and they stop for a pee in a graveyard. One wipes her fanoir with her undies and the other with a wreath taken from a grave. Their husbands are talking in the pub the next day, one says.......
"I've got to watch my wife, she came home with no knickers on".
"That's nothing", the other replies, "mine had a card wedged in her arse saying

"We will never forget you....from all the lads at the firestation"".

If I Had A Crystal Ball..........

2008-01-21T00:28:00.000-08:00

........it would be so simple to chose the next path! I've decided to take a job Ex-Boyf/Boss has offered me, it moves me from a bookeeper, general telephone-answerer/slave and lunch-preparer. I'm now moving into artwork as well. It's just what I need, a new and fresh challenge. Have been fiddling around with the design software the last few days and it seems I have got the hang of it.

Since I left running bars and restaurants last year, I have just bimbled along, not at a very fast pace, chilling and enjoying family life. The bar nearly destroyed me, I was exhausted, working 70 hours+ per week, living on humous and never seeing the honeys. The last 9 months, I have had to learn to eat 3 meals a day, go to bed early and sleep all night and rest. I have always pushed myself so hard to get to the top of the corporate tree and having my own bar and restaurant was it. My family paid the price though.

So the new job, well it is profit sharing, major hike up in salary and the chance to learn a new trade. It means that Ex-Boyf and I will work together 4 days a week in an office of just us, it is his company after all, and there are issues I will have to overcome, like meeting, in the office, last Friday one of his past lovers and a girl who he continued to see as friends throughout our relationship. There is also his constant need to take his mobile phone to the loo/car park etc instead of just saying "Rach, I have met a girl, am dating/sleeping with so and so"! I can handle that, it is the game playing that is doing my noodle in. In reality I know that anyone else comes a poor second because I have ruined him for other women (you know about the libido of a 40 year old!). Our issues will probably destroy this job before it gets going, but I am going to give it my best shot.

I feel really excited by this, it's a new year with lots of possibilities, but I have to make them happen. I may well fuck it all up, but I don't care because now I AM AN ARTWORK DESIGNER!

I'm Not A Great Believer in.........

2008-01-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

.............all that is detox!

I started detox on Monday, and this is day 5. Reasons? Well it is partly due to my complete inability to keep to any New Year's resolutions of no wine and roll up cigarettes, and also my 'lucky jeans' no longer fit me. This is where going to the gym 4 times a week comes back to bite you in the butt. I have developed running muscles in my thighs and an ass that most porn stars would be proud of but I am not impressed. The brief to my trainer was that I had to fit into my 'lucky jeans' by end January (my birthday) in the faint hope of getting 'lucky' - well that's what the jeans are for after all! Seems that all this exercise is not having the desired effect.

I should explain that my detox is a little different, and medically supervised.

Breakfast:
Wheat and gluten free museli soaked in water (good effort)
Large cappuccino - (Mmmmmm - need the caffeine hit to lurch me into the real world)
Cigarette (so what!)

Lunch:
Lentils, tomatoes, onions and spinach with potato salad - every day (doing good Rach)
Cup of tea
No cigarette (yeah, kicking it baby!)

Afternoon:
Fresh fruit smoothies
Cigarette

Dinner:
Home made soup, by the gallon full, no eating after 6pm and just water only (loving it)
Emergency contingency plan - salmon fillet or haddock with veggies but only in the event of potential suicide.

Supper:
In my dreams - (Lamb jalfrezi with keema naan and bombay aloo, washed down with a whole freakin' bottle of Swartland Pinotage - that's South African Red to you lot)
In reality - water and the odd fag

Add 4 litres of water a day, and hot drinks, 2 cappuccinos and 2 teas, the rest is agua baby!

Am severely wheat and gluten intollerant and follow a coeliac's diet strictly, hence the rather random lunch. Without that I would just roll over and die from 'no energy'.

4 days of homemade soups and fresh fruit smoothies and with no wine in the house has taken it's toll, last night I made smoothie number 7 and had a cigarette to ponder the whole detox thing. My skin is so rubbish, my muscles ache and I feel as though I want to beat the crap out of a little person, not a child though! In fairness I have lost the equivalent of 4 bags of sugar in 2 weeks and my tits are shrinking at an alarming rate but I still felt something was missing, a certain EDGE to the whole philosophy that is DETOX. The answer was to be found nestling in the freezer, towards the back, between haddock fishcakes and some very dubious home-made lasagne. My secret stash a.k.a. the emergency fund.
A heavy dash of absolut in my smoothie and everything was right in my world. Treated myself to a 10 minute kitchen disco to Chaka Khan and Grandmaster Flash (what? You've all done it too!) then went to bed, slept 10 hours without moving, woke up feeling fantastic and looking ok-ish. Undoubtedly it should have been one of those 'Party Bear Moments' (see previous post) but maybe the gallon of fresh fruit equaled out the booze effect.

I think this may be the detox plan for me!

UPDATE:
WROTE THIS POST THIS MORNING AND SINCE THEN HAVE FOLLOWED THE FOOD RULES BUT DEMOLISHED A FANTASTIC FRENCH GAMAY NOIR (that is also red wine for the philistines out there) AND HAD 3 FAGS.
FEEL SICK.
BACK TO DETOX TOMORROW WITH THE HELP SOME PARACETAMOL. NO NEED FOR PARTY BEAR AS I AM ALREADY IN BED!

The Party Bear...........

2008-01-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

...........ever wondered how you got home from the pub that night you drank 14 black sambuccas.

The party bear lends you his scooter............

............and during the night he comes to collect his scooter and by way of a token gesture plants an axe in your head and craps in your mouth!

Just incase you wondered.........

Is It Wrong That I Fancy The Pants Off................

2008-01-14T11:13:00.000-08:00

............the Deputy Headmaster of my daughters' junior school?

Tonight I went to pick Em up from her Poole Year 7 Girls Football Final, I'm sure he smiled at me. I stammered, yes, utterly messed up my words, in front of the other parents and kids, red in the face and stuttering - guess that little secret is out then! I'd like to think his wife is one lucky lady but he is probably 'all pipe and slippers' and no girl likes that!

I don't know when I decided to abandon all common sense and dignity, it is entering the third week since my last 'get down and dirty' experience after all! It's not as if there aren't enough single men around, I just seem to fancy the taken ones! I would never act upon it, especially where a band of gold is concerned, experience has taught me well on that bad boy, but it is nice to have a little heart flutter, every now and then!

The girls came in third place and my eldest daughter got voted worst player in the mini-bus on the way back to school. 12 year old girls can be so cruel. In her defence she used a few expletives back, although I think she stopped at 'bugger off' and even though I have to discpline her for bad language, am secretly very proud of her.

THAT'S MY GIRL, THE APPLE NEVER FALLS FAR FROM THE TREE AFTER ALL!

Nothing In My Way - Enough Said..........

2008-01-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

A turning tide
Lovers at a great divide
Why d'you laugh?
When I know that you hurt inside?

And why'd you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say?
And why'd you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

A tell-tale sign
You don't know where to draw the line

And why'd you say
It's just another day, nothing in my way
I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay
So there's nothing left to say
And why'd you lie
When you wanna die, when you hurt inside
Don't know what you lie for anyway
Now there's nothing left to say

Well for a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
You're having such a nice time

(Just...)
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
(...another day, nothing in my way, I..)
For a lonely soul, you're having such a nice time
(...don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay. just..)
For a lonely soul, it seems to me that you're having such a nice time
(... another day, nothing in my way; Don't know what you lie for...)
You're having such a nice time
(...anyway)

Oooooh That Was Just Nasty.......

2008-01-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

.......... and all I was doing was obliterating a deep blue funk by pounding out a few miles at the gym.

It all went wrong around 10.46am , on screen 4 at the gym ER had just gone to break, I had slipped my headphones off to really 'trot' hard' and work off some excess red wine storage around my thighs when I heard a wet fart sound suggesting a strong likelihood of follow through. 'Old bloke' on the next treadmill hit the changing rooms at warp speed..........yep seems I was right there.

Now that is guaranteed to ruin your day!

Overwhelming Sadness............

2008-01-08T00:33:00.000-08:00

.......hit me the minute I woke up, the really sad gut-wrenching feeling that you have sometimes. I spent yesterday packing up some of his stuff and dropping it back, we haven't spoken for a few days which is very rare for us, but that was my intention, distance the girls and I. I am not sure what the plan should be, earlier today I posted this full of determination to sever the connection completely but after a day spent working together, I am not sure if that is the best thing to do. I can stay on at work, having been offered the chance to develop my job further with a drastic salary increase, and take over a more design and pr role which is perfect for me. I just don't know if I can get past the personal stuff.

And I feel so sad about it, because in reality, we get on famously, are best friends, but have the connection that pulls us back into each other again every few months, and me back to stage 1 of breakup recovery. I hate the person that I am then, jealous, suspicious and mistrusting.

I don't believe in us anymore, I do in ME however, and so I need to draw a line under the past.

'My hands will never hold on to anything new until I let go of the thing I have been holding on to, so tightly'

Am still moving forwards, determined to get it right, but today I feel sad, and vunerable, oh and pretty crap.

Think the gym beckons, a good run should get rid of this deep blue funk!

First Day Back At School.........

2008-01-07T00:57:00.000-08:00

........and I was fearing the worst, back to the nightmare that is school mornings in our house. That is until I got up and found THE LIST Boo had written last night.

Check List Monday
What I need to do this morning

Get up at 7.30am
Get dressed (hurry up)
Comb my hair (quickly)
Make mum tea in bed (Lady Grey)
Eat breakfast (don't rush)
Clean my teeth (2 minutes)
Help Em get ready
Get coat on (rush)
Say goodbye to mum (enjoy)
Go to school (jog or run but be quick)

In Lunch Boxes
Tuna Pitta breads
Apples x2
orange juice drink
Yoghurt

I stirred myself from oblivious sleep at 7.30am and came downstairs to a cup of steaming tea, 2 daughters dressed and ready to go by 8am without a cross word or fight. And then they were gone, leaving me to pull myself into the real world, calmly and in my own time.

I love days like this, long may it continue.

Roll-ups: 2 yesterday
Drink count: Runamok Australian Merlot
Purchases: Very large cappuccino at the beach

Just In From A Great Night Out......

2008-01-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

.........so thought I would introduce my sanctuary. I would rather keep it for mine than share it with someone else, no matter how deserving their case for staying over. Tonight, some girlfriends and I had dinner and drinks out, and there was one man, very cute and nubile looking, who suggested:
'WOULD IT BE OK IF I CAME BACK WITH YOU TONIGHT?"
and it begs the question:
"WHY? I HAVE JUST MET YOU, SHOW SOME RESPECT" big exclamation mark

I believe that any 'Sanctuary' should represent your person, dreams and luxuries, no matter how decadent. Only a man of cast iron will, nerves of steel and sheer determination to get to my sanctuary would find solace there. It belongs to me, it is I where read notebooks, watch Sex and the City DVDs until my eyes tire, shed the odd tear and of course drink wine, chill and reboot. In this place I can parade my wobbly bits and dance to Chaka Khan with no consequence, other than the honey's disapproval. I'm not ready to share this with grubby undies and half empty cups of cold earl grey tea.

Note to all potentials:
If you want me, seriously desire me, and value true worth, I adore cheap bed and breakfast hotels in the New Forest, Hampshire. Gluten free breakfasts all round and dim lighting is essesntial for under the duvet stuff. I am 41 after all.
I'm not demanding or Princess Paris, some things are just the way they are.

So New Year Came And Went.........

2008-01-02T11:39:00.002-08:00

.........with a bang that I wasn't expecting. My parentals agreed to have the honeys for a sleepover so that left a girlfriend and I loose on the town for the night. I am not a great fan of New Year's Eve and always shunned the bright lights in favour of a party or two but we found ourselves in the only local bar that wasn't selling entry tickets. Many vodka martinis and champagnes later a house party of strangers beckoned and we arrived, purely by default, to a quiet chilled scene, everyone sat around talking. For me I struggle with parties if I have been drinking for a few hours, I want dancing, the Village People, mirror balls and before you say it, I do have some class!
So my futile attempts at a kitchen disco raised a few heads, and there was dancing on the wet kitchen floor. Needless to say, killer heels don't do well with wet floors and I was to be found sometime later flat on my back, clutching an ice pack to my already bruised face. I had shimmyed and sashayed my way into the breakfast bar at alarming speed, gone down like a little girl in the playground, and still have the bruises to show for it.

That aside it is always time for resolutions and I make them religiously only to break them repeatedly and very quickly I might add.

So my goal, to continue to head forward, banging my own drum and not play to anyone else's music, oh and to try my hardest not to smoke.

Drink count: 1 glass shiraz/voignier
Cigarette count: Day 2 and have only had 2 today and 1 yesterday. Yay for me!
Purchases: Major food shop which cleaned me out of cold hard cash

It's Not Fear Really..........

2007-12-28T14:22:00.001-08:00

Fear can stop you loving,
Love can cure your fear

.......but adopting this somewhat gung ho attitude to major life changes has been a terrifying concept. On one hand I am scared that the new choices I make for my life will leave me without friends, love and I will feel alone sometimes. One the other hand, I have been stifled by the restraints others have put on me that, at times, I felt as though I was drowning and going down for the third time, without a life-raft. I have always been outspoken and direct, so where has my voice gone? My conviction has deserted me?
It never ceases to amaze me how blinkered we can be sometimes, pottering along, in our own dream world, in acceptance, of the way things are. A time invariably comes when we challenge those closest to us and a simple "I'm really upset about the way you spoke to me" becomes the cue for the parent, friend, lover or child to lose it on an epic scale, wailing and knashing of teeth. Is there the possibility that as soon as you step outside the box others put you in, their boundaries become challenged?

After all that I have paused for thought, and then continued deleting all the time wasters owing me money from my mobile phone because they were perceived as unreliable for my new found status as 'Queen In Charge Of My Own Destiny! It probably took 2 or 3 minutes before realising that was not a terribly smart move!

Roll-ups - too many to mention, minus 3 days and counting until cold turkey
Drink Count - 2 glasses O'Leary Walker shiraz/voignier 2004
Purchases - Slippers from Monsoon sale, so decadent

A Fresh Start.............

2007-12-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

............is needed. My past bloggy life has been a fantastic, fun and brutal journal of carnage and catastrophe titled Crisis Intervention Summit, and as my first blog, I am very proud. It has always been warts and all but in the last year or so, I have known that there was one set of prying eyes, a ghost of my past relationship I am trying to move away from, who held me back from saying what was really in my heart, and that hampered my ability move on. So much I have left unsaid for fear of the reprecussions. It is time to dispense with the carnage that represented my life for the last 2 years and start with a fresh blog and a new attitude to writing.........

To have carte blanche, a fresh clean sheet of paper is exhilarating.

Please don't link to this or my last blog yet as I plan to start anonymously, with a handful of my faithful and gorgeous blogroll to keep me company.

And finally, I am free to put it down here, this is not a feminist rant, just being able to speak my mind, give names and clear the air. I have borrowed a few words from Maddie G to spice up mine:

Ex-Boyf

So we have come to the end of our bittersweet journey together
The free-wheeling was mesmorising,
It filled me with a sense of freedom and peace I've not encountered before.
At times our wheels spun in unison

And we synchronised..... moments of pure connection.
So at which point did we begin to un-synch?
Was it the 2nd or 3rd hill?
Maybe our wheels spinning in time, was a law of probability only?
Was it inevitable that at some point we'd connect?

Magnetism? It was addictive
But the counter forces were too strong, the differences in our morality
Destroyed the bond of trust and respect I had been preserving close to my heart
And then our moment was broken

We both traveled towards the same destination
But chose to take separate forks along the road
So now, our paths are unique
No longer the same
My heart does not still beat to the same rhythm as yours

I can hear the echo of the miles between us
It is a widening chasm that I cannot bridge anymore
I cannot return to the past life with you
Tainted with your deceit

I know of the others you chose to 'connect' to
Your disloyalty and dishonesty brought me to my knees
To the point where I could not breathe with the pain of your betrayals
But I am chosing to stand tall and proud
Determined that I will learn to trust again, to put my life in another's hands

Somewhere, in the distance, I can hear a new tune
I am learning to play to my own music?
This is a voluntary act, a choice I can make
I am ready to beat to a different time-my body is craving the new rhythm

I also know that the new music will become my signature tune
There is silence
And the air permeates with the sound of me!

Roll ups - about 15 million, I am blogging, editing html after all and it's intense and bohemian
Drink count - bottle of San Lorenzo Rioja 2005, it has been an emotional evening
Purchases - 1 ltr semi skimmed milk, rice flour and gluten free gravy powder, that's called living!