It's Not Fear Really..........

Fear can stop you loving,
Love can cure your fear

.......but adopting this somewhat gung ho attitude to major life changes has been a terrifying concept. On one hand I am scared that the new choices I make for my life will leave me without friends, love and I will feel alone sometimes. One the other hand, I have been stifled by the restraints others have put on me that, at times, I felt as though I was drowning and going down for the third time, without a life-raft. I have always been outspoken and direct, so where has my voice gone? My conviction has deserted me?
It never ceases to amaze me how blinkered we can be sometimes, pottering along, in our own dream world, in acceptance, of the way things are. A time invariably comes when we challenge those closest to us and a simple "I'm really upset about the way you spoke to me" becomes the cue for the parent, friend, lover or child to lose it on an epic scale, wailing and knashing of teeth. Is there the possibility that as soon as you step outside the box others put you in, their boundaries become challenged?

After all that I have paused for thought, and then continued deleting all the time wasters owing me money from my mobile phone because they were perceived as unreliable for my new found status as 'Queen In Charge Of My Own Destiny! It probably took 2 or 3 minutes before realising that was not a terribly smart move!

Roll-ups - too many to mention, minus 3 days and counting until cold turkey
Drink Count - 2 glasses O'Leary Walker shiraz/voignier 2004
Purchases - Slippers from Monsoon sale, so decadent

A Fresh Start.............

............is needed. My past bloggy life has been a fantastic, fun and brutal journal of carnage and catastrophe titled Crisis Intervention Summit, and as my first blog, I am very proud. It has always been warts and all but in the last year or so, I have known that there was one set of prying eyes, a ghost of my past relationship I am trying to move away from, who held me back from saying what was really in my heart, and that hampered my ability move on. So much I have left unsaid for fear of the reprecussions. It is time to dispense with the carnage that represented my life for the last 2 years and start with a fresh blog and a new attitude to writing.........

To have carte blanche, a fresh clean sheet of paper is exhilarating.

Please don't link to this or my last blog yet as I plan to start anonymously, with a handful of my faithful and gorgeous blogroll to keep me company.

And finally, I am free to put it down here, this is not a feminist rant, just being able to speak my mind, give names and clear the air. I have borrowed a few words from Maddie G to spice up mine:

Ex-Boyf

So we have come to the end of our bittersweet journey together
The free-wheeling was mesmorising,
It filled me with a sense of freedom and peace I've not encountered before.
At times our wheels spun in unison

And we synchronised..... moments of pure connection.
So at which point did we begin to un-synch?
Was it the 2nd or 3rd hill?
Maybe our wheels spinning in time, was a law of probability only?
Was it inevitable that at some point we'd connect?

Magnetism? It was addictive
But the counter forces were too strong, the differences in our morality
Destroyed the bond of trust and respect I had been preserving close to my heart
And then our moment was broken

We both traveled towards the same destination
But chose to take separate forks along the road
So now, our paths are unique
No longer the same
My heart does not still beat to the same rhythm as yours

I can hear the echo of the miles between us
It is a widening chasm that I cannot bridge anymore
I cannot return to the past life with you
Tainted with your deceit

I know of the others you chose to 'connect' to
Your disloyalty and dishonesty brought me to my knees
To the point where I could not breathe with the pain of your betrayals
But I am chosing to stand tall and proud
Determined that I will learn to trust again, to put my life in another's hands

Somewhere, in the distance, I can hear a new tune
I am learning to play to my own music?
This is a voluntary act, a choice I can make
I am ready to beat to a different time-my body is craving the new rhythm

I also know that the new music will become my signature tune
There is silence
And the air permeates with the sound of me!

Roll ups - about 15 million, I am blogging, editing html after all and it's intense and bohemian
Drink count - bottle of San Lorenzo Rioja 2005, it has been an emotional evening
Purchases - 1 ltr semi skimmed milk, rice flour and gluten free gravy powder, that's called living!